Forget the Astrological System – Challenge the whims of the universe with me for a moment and think about the tangible magic of the real world in which we live, breathe, have sex, love and perish in a beautiful endless cycle. I’m here to tell you that there’s a much better way to decipher everything you need to know about a person, and that’s the go-to sandwich for McDonald’s.
Plus, with this handy list, you can now say things like, “I warned you about them, they’re McDouble! You know McDouble’s and Big Mac don’t work romantically, it was doomed from the start!”
Here is your new horoscope.
Bold and/or brassy and often a combination of the two, the Quarter Pounder is loud, proud, and powerful. The first through the door in crisis and the last to leave. Quarter Pounder knows what they love, and they choose to love it as loud as a thousand cannons blasting over an angry ocean. Quarter Pounder can be too much for some and not enough for others, forever treading the line between acceptance and abandonment. Quarter Pounder is not for everyone, but everyone who finds themselves in the arms of someone knows how it feels to be not only loved, but protected.
You love a little luxury in your life: the finest fabrics, blankets that are always the perfect temperature, and a light treat that just works for you. You, as your Quarter Pounder, are boisterous and proud, but the Double Quarter Pounder would also like to see anyone in its orbit share in the richness of their world. The best things on this earth or the next are here to thrill the ages, and why not enjoy them? Depriving ourselves of life’s pleasures goes against everything the Double Quarter Pounder cherishes.
Big Mac is busy! Like, very busy. When people ask you what a Big Mac is? Busy. When they ask you how does a big Mac feel? Busy. What does Big Mac want.. Busy! Oh my gosh, how many times do I have to…sorry. The Big Mac has so much to do and not enough time to see it pay off. Some may look at the Big Mac and worry that they have taken too much into this life, but what they cannot see is that there is an even greater burden the Big Mac is willing to bear if asked. The Big Mac, while busy and stressed like… all the time, is also dependable and creative. The Big Mac will never take you away when you call his name.
Filet mignon is stubborn, stubborn, and bullish. The emotional essence of fillet or fish is the rushing waters of an impending wave waiting for the right impulse to rise to an escalating ostentation. Many will see fillets as tough, hard to get into, and still hard to learn to love. But once you cross that bridge into the heart of a filet, you will find that there is no turning away from their refreshing bite of love. Slices are earned, never won, and a bond that will never be broken.
While some would say a cheeseburger is too simple, an easy decision to make for someone burdened with indecision, those same people are quick to write a cheeseburger. Being a cheeseburger means being so full and rich in the spirit of the natural world that you need nothing more. A cheeseburger never aspires to be something it isn’t, nor does it shy away from a challenge. In a world so noisy with a loud bellowing sound, a cheeseburger never needs to tell anyone who they are, because they are so self-confident that it is up to the individual to appreciate the richness of someone who is so comfortable with their lack. They need to be more than they are in order to be happy.
A dependable icon, the hamburger is the building block of all it is. Some may be too arrogant to use keywords bitch, but hamburger is anything but. Hamburger is the one who’s been here before and saw some crap and frankly tired of the whole thing. It’s a luxury – but it’s the overlooked luxury of necessity. We don’t always need all that hustle and bustle, and Hamburger sees that clearly. They want to evoke comfort, and knowing comfort in simplicity is knowing bliss that many will overlook in their pursuit of more than they need.
Mcchicken is many things, sometimes spicy, sometimes light, but always with a quick and crunchy bite. McChicken loves to walk alone but is in sight of the herd, choosing his path carefully and with much grace. Knowing McChicken is loving them, and you’ll often find McChicken spoken about in reverent tones. Everyone knows they love red meat burgers, but few adventurers who walk parallel lines with their mates speak of a love greater and truer than anyone has ever known. It’s not a path for everyone, mind you, and one must be careful never to take McChicken for granted – or to ask them for more than they can give. McChicken is many things, but it is first and foremost burdened with expectations.
The Egg McMuffin is an early riser, and it’s a factor. They crave action and adventure and aren’t fond of waiting for that to happen. Egg McMuffin is eager to take matters into his own hands and start the next phase of whatever part of life they embark on. While the Egg McMuffin comes in many permutations, the essence of their existence remains the same. They can be overly enthusiastic, getting up very early in the day with a fire in their hearts which rattles the welcome when the morning turns into the midday heat. The Egg McMuffin can be both lovable and a nuisance, two halves of a spinning coin.
A McDouble not everyone knows. Oftentimes, they are that person that people will talk about with the additional condition that they explain who they are. A McDouble is someone you’re sure you’ve met once before, in that thing once in the imperceptible past, but you would never think of calling them in the present. McDouble prefers it this way, to be out of the limelight and adored only by those who remember their calling. They don’t need center stage heat, preferring side heaviness. A McDouble knows who they are, knows they’re not for everyone, and they’re happy to form a new bond with someone who might love them.
Angus is scary. Angus is a powerhouse standing in the corner of a room filling everyone with their stories they’ve been to, and though you know they’re full of verifiable half-truths and lies, you can’t help but be drawn into their orbit. Angus is strong, but sometimes a little too busy, and often quite busy. Angus can open a jar that is really hard to open, and someone once swore that every Angus they knew could open a beer bottle with their teeth. Angus is actually quite cute on the inside, but to many, the terrifying nature of Angus is a wall they can’t get themselves to mount.
You don’t like the narrow path, nor the paths you see. Chicken Nuggets are never eager to immediately enjoy the vibrant delights that burgers bring from the world around them. They crave the craving in small portions, sometimes covered in sweetness unknown to their peers and some still sour and spicy. Chicken Nuggets hate being alone, preferring the company of like-minded citizens with whom they can move across the world with foolproof safety of numbers. It’s always nice to be looked at by those who share the same traits as you, and Chicken Nuggets simply prefer loving hugs of their kind over the unknown chaos of what’s out of their orbit. Chicken nuggets are no better, nor are they worse than anyone else. They are very different in a way that they are often the perfect companion to other types of sandwiches.
McRib rarely comes to be so legendary, like Brigadoon. Often feared that McCreeb will be completely lost, reduced to ashes and dust and scattered in the wind never to be so real that you can keep it again. But McRib prefers only solitude than sleep and privacy, and getting away when they feel they are not needed. They do not crave the constant beating of attention – McCripe chooses their time to appear in public wisely. When they show their faces, McCripp is in love at the moment, knowing that their time in this place is limited. McRib loves to party, but McRib also has a voice in the back of his head that says “When no one’s looking, let’s get out of here” and they love it about themselves.